Helping Each Other Feel Competent is Hard Work. We can do hard things.
Whether you’re a parent or a partner, or in a position of authority, we tend to have an automatic response to point out what might be wrong, or could be better. While our intention might be to help the other person improve or meet our expectations, much less often does it result in a positive impact on both improvement and relationship quality.
90:10 Rule
A wise dad shared with me NFL Coach John Harbaugh’s 90:10 rule (video below). If a person is doing 90% of things well, with 10% needing improvement; Coach Harbaugh’s feedback follows the same ratio, with 90% focused on what they’re doing well. Naturally, many of us might reverse this rule and spend 90% of our time focused on the 10%, assuming this will lead to perfection and justify our authoritative role.
The reality is that all of us, including professional athletes, thrive on FEELING competent. Actually being competent does not necessarily result in feeling competent. We each have our own internal sense of competence, and for most of us, our feeling of competence is vulnerable to the feedback and perception of others. Constantly hearing feedback weighted more heavily on “constructive” criticism, diminishes our sense of feeling competent. Comments such as, “you’re good, but you need to…” or “you’re very smart, but let’s try and focus on…” might sound positive and encouraging; however, the compliment is vague and the attention is really placed on correcting something that feels “not good enough”.
It takes effort to pause and not react when feeling disappointment.
Frankly, it is easy to point out what is wrong, missing and below expectations. If you are watching someone do something such as their homework, their sport, or their task around the house, we have an expectation on how it should be done. When it doesn’t meet our expectations, we experience a feeling of disappointment and express this by saying something out loud aiming to correct the other. We might not even be aware of the feeling of disappointment that drives our reaction, but it is there. The reaction is actually a way to manage our disappointment, it is not really about trying to teach, mentor or improve the other. This is why teachers and parents respond differently when a child isn’t getting it right. Parents are more naturally going to feel disappointment when it is their child not meeting the adult's expectation.
It takes effort to train our brains to match the amount of positive feedback with the percentage of good things the other person is doing.
The key thing to remember is that the 90:10 rule is not exactly referring to the feedback we provide, but rather, the feedback that is heard. It is the ear of the listener: the child, student, or partner where this ratio matters most. If they have trouble internalizing positive feedback then this should be explored further. However, as a parent, teacher or coach, recognizing good things often, and the not-so-good things on occasion, is a good rule to follow.
How are they going to improve or meet our expectations if we don’t bring it to their attention?
When positive feedback builds confidence, constructive feedback is not only easier to hear but ideally, it is asked for. Feeling truly competent also helps create self-awareness and an openness to improve that 10% and ask for help. “Can you tell me or show me how I can do this better?”
Positive Feedback includes Praise | Appreciation | Gratitude
Positive psychology interventions (PPI) can include explicit expressions of praise, appreciation and gratitude. Praise is about expressing approval and admiration; appreciation is recognizing and valuing something; and gratitude is feeling thankful for something received or experienced.
A useful way to remember it:
Praise: “You did something good.”
Appreciation: “I recognize and value what you did.”
Gratitude: “Thank you for doing that for me; it helped my day a lot.”
Praise can be very effective, but what you praise matters a lot.
The strongest evidence for praise as a positive psychology intervention is when it is specific, credible, and tied to something the person actually did—effort, strategy, persistence, kindness, preparation, improvement—rather than broad generalizations or focused only on outcomes.
It is important to focus praise more on process than on achievement, and to focus praise on what you truly value. Especially if we are hoping that praise will reinforce growth, adaptation and competence.
In terms of feedback for children, compare the following three statements:
Less useful: “You’re so smart.”
Better: “You kept working even when that got frustrating.”
Even better: “You changed your strategy when the first way didn’t work—that helped you solve it.”
It takes hard work to notice the positive behaviours, effort and adaptation of others. We often take it for granted or feel content when it meets our sense of expectation. It is important to conscientiously make note of these things. Perhaps sit and think about the other person and all the things they do well. When a person such as a teacher can go into a lot of detail of what they notice about your child it feels pretty damn good.
When Praise comes from Power, Power comes from Praise
Adults in position of power such as parents, teachers, coaches and leaders, can take advantage of their powerful position by helping others feel competent through the 90:10 rule. The true gift of having power and wisdom over another is how meaningful praise and positive feedback feels to the other person. This type of praise empowers the other to grow, learn, feel and be competent.
